Invasive Maneuvers
by Dr. Breifs Cat
Summary: When their romantic getaway is ruined, Tony and Pepper learn their closest colleagues share a strange hobby.  MOVIE-VERSE


Disclaimers: All standard apply

Notes: For _It's Always Been_'s 8th challenge

**Invasive Maneuvers**

Distressed, the concierge purses her lips. "I'm so, so sorry, Mr. Stark," she repeats for the third time, "But I'm just not seeing any openings..."

The only acceptable apologies in the world of Tony Stark are the ones paired with immediate results. His celebrity carries the kind of money and clout that makes things happen. Mistakes are rectified. Should he change his mind after making a commitment, it is the responsibility of others to accommodate his whims. The panicked manner of the young woman behind the desk makes it hard for Tony to tell if she is genuinely unable to reconcile his needs or if she just believes herself to be. Either way, he's only driving her into a greater tizzy by being so openly frustrated by the entire affair.

Tony is ill-prepared to take these negotiations upon himself, but Pepper is silent and red-faced by his side. Traditionally, smoothing over rough patches has been her arena. However, as her boyfriend, Tony has come to believe that it is his chivalrous duty to take over some of the unpleasant jobs and protect her. Pepper's particular explanation of expectations had been geared more towards her _reputation_: she received a promotion a week before she began sleeping with her former boss. Regardless of the specific timeframe, reasoning or feelings involved, it looked bad. The general public would see her as the woman who was promoted because she wanted it badly enough to lie down for it. Tony's reputation could weather it: he was a man in a position of power. Such things were accepted, if not _expected_ of him. The conservatives would tut and the feminist blogosphere would rage, but in the end, he would emerge unscathed. Pepper, on the other hand, would be disgraced. Pundits began calling her credentials into question almost the day she became CEO. To know that she was romantically involved with the man who promoted her would be the death knell of her career. For this reason, she had elected to keep their relationship quiet for now, revealing her hand slowly and measured. With a good PR firm on her side, she could spin their romance as a great love story in the annals of American history as long as she remained in control of the situation. Her life would not be presented as the corrupt affair the tabloids, talk shows and New York Times Best Seller list would so love for it to be.

The truth of their relationship is neither a scandal or a fairy tale, of course. Theirs is a messy middle ground where people love each other and struggle to balance their lives, their baggage and the person they need.

Yet because of such complications, things as simple as a weekend vacation of lovers becomes clandestine, cushioned in shadows, "business trips" and hotels known for a reputation of _discretion_ above all else.

Seeing that the verbal spar between Tony and the hotel staff is going no where, Natalie slides up to the counter and requests, "Mr. Stark would like to speak to your manager." The girl at the desk all but squeaks before waddling off to find someone who can be of more assistance than she. His supposed assistant looks at Tony with raised eyebrows, disbelief at his failure to handle simple little duties with any degree of politeness.

Once her manager on the scene, the concierge gratefully scuttles away. He clicks his tongue softly as she retreats. The manager's profuse apologies include an aside that she had been very good at her job before a regretful head injury, but their situation does not improve.

Hotel records show that Mr. Anthony Stark reserved one suite, selected from their most spacious and romantic accommodations. Attached to the reservation is a special addendum that a bottle of champagne is to be sent up upon the arrival of himself and a presumed companion. In addition, Mr. James Rhodes is on their schedule for a room. They have no reservation for Ms. Virginia "Pepper" Potts.

The hotel record indicates this because it exactly what they had asked for. Tony and Pepper had intended to slip in quietly and hide away in their suite, making the most of the scant hours they had before business interrupted their alone time. Monday brought with it a meeting with the New York City-based Board of Directors, followed by an extended conference with the representatives from every branch of the United States Armed Forces aimed at extended revisions to Stark Industries' remaining military contracts.

This plan changed drastically when Happy insisted upon carrying Pepper's bags up from the underground parking garage. Though Pepper had tried to dissuade him, Happy could not be talked out of it. Once she, Tony and Rhodes had been dropped off, he and Natalie were not due to reappear at their duties until after the weekend. However, as bodyguard to a superhero, he had felt somewhat useless as of late and wanted to contribute. Natalie followed after, a perfect picture of innocent professionalism.

The crowded reception desk soon attracted far more attention than Tony and Pepper had wanted.

The sensible course of action is to book another room for Pepper to keep up appearances, but, as both the concierge and her boss have regretfully told them many times over, the hotel does not have a single available room. Tony's name and money is normally enough to overturn staff objections and "loose" reservations, but not today. The underlying issue is that every patron of the hotel is in the same position as Tony and Pepper - wealthy and trying to keep a secret. From the way people who have gathered in the lobby look at Pepper, their expectation for her is clear.

"We're leaving," Tony announces. "Pepper - Ms. Potts will not be subjected to this." The troops rally behind him. Or at least, Happy and his sudden need to make Pepper's life strain-free rallies behind him with a grim nod. Rhodey is somewhat annoyed that his own weekend has been ruined, but loyal enough to go along with the bluff with more teasing than complaints. Pepper herself is still shell-shocked and Natalie does not appear concerned either way. But, they all follow Tony as he stalks back to the elevator and that's what matters.

With five people, three with luggage - including a suitcase that folds out into battle-ready armor - the large elevator that services the high security-parking deck is a tight fit. It is yet another reason the trio would have preferred Happy and Natalie to take off as soon as they had the chance.

"You're why I can't have nice things," Rhodey tells Tony as the metallic doors sweep shut.

"Me?" Tony sputters, irritated. "What about them?"

"You two aren't fooling any -" Rhodey stops speaking as the elevator shudders and comes to a halt. "Really?" he rails at the mirrored ceiling.

Natalie glides forward and hits the call button. "The parking garage elevator has stopped."

Tony arches an eyebrow. "You're calling for the repairman."

"That is how one responds to these situations, Mr. Stark," she informs him.

"Don't bother," he shrugs. "I can get this thing moving again before he gets here." Rolling up his sleeves, Tony adds, "Find someway to amuse yourselves." In moments, he's on his knees, examining the control panel.

"What are you going to do?" Pepper asks, carefully crouching beside Tony as he pries the side paneling off.

"Any elevator should be equipped with a safety feature that forces them to return to the ground floor. I don't have direct access to the switch, but once I hot wire it, we can use the portable armor to pry the doors open."

"I suppose Plan B is to climb up the elevator shaft," she replies dryly.

"I was going to say fly," Tony counters.

"How long is this going to take?" Rhodey asks.

"Ten minutes, tops."

"When we are hurdling to our deaths, remind me to thank you for getting us into this."

Tony frowns at the revealed wiring, though his ire is directed more at Rhodes. "Why is everything with you my fault today?" he huffs.

"It's a little early in our entrapment to be infighting," Natalie says, drawing Rhodey away from Tony. "Let's try to find a simple way to keep ourselves occupied while Mr. Stark breaks the elevator and kills us all."

"What did I do to deserve this complete lack of faith?"

"Truth or dare?"

Three heads ignore Tony and swivel towards Happy.

He shrugs. "It's what we did last time we were trapped in an elevator."

"When was this?" Pepper wonders. It is a game for gun shy adolescents, and not a suggestion she'd expect for a group as ..experienced as theirs.

"Eh," he shrugs again, "it was just a couple years ago."

"We were drunk," Tony pips up. "Very eye opening."

"You still in, Mr. Stark?" Happy asks. His tone makes it clear he's issuing a challenge.

Eying Natalie - or whatever her name is - Tony says, "Sure thing."

"Did you fix the elevator that time?" Pepper asks him.

"He didn't know it was stuck," Happy answers.

"I don't think he knew we were in an elevator," Rhodey adds.

"You played, too?" Pepper questions, surprised. "How did you manage?"

"It's mostly truth," Rhodey admits. "Dare options are pretty limited."

"I would think dares would be the primary draw of the game with this group."

"Don't underestimate the value of the truth, Pep," Tony chimes.

"Remind me," Pepper instructs, "how long did you lie about the fact that you were dying?"

"Lie of omission!" he cries. "Completely different thing! And how many times do I have to say this? I was _going_ to tell you!"

Pepper crosses her arms. "You were _going_ to ask for some kind of pity sex romp before you died."

"No," he denies firmly. "I wasn't going to ask for that. I just wanted you to know that it would be nice if you did it anyway."

She sighs. "I refuse to get into this argument again, especially in front of our friends. I'd like to at least be able to pretend it's still possible for anyone to respect either of us."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Ms. Potts," Natalie says consolingly. "Mr. Stark evidently requires more from others than he is willing to give himself," she adds, eyeing Tony carefully.

Tony opens and shuts his mouth in silent indignation while Pepper sighs again. "That's nothing new, Natalie."

"I'm under attack from everyone," he finally decides. "I'm the hero here." Tony gestures sharply to the mechanisms he has managed to uncover. "Note how I toil to rescue everyone."

"I see no toiling," Rhodey observes.

"I was distracted by all the unfounded attacks on my person."

"No, really, I need to know," Rhodey says turning to Pepper and Natalie. "What do women see in him, exactly?"

"Money and notoriety," the latter answers quickly.

"I have honestly no idea," Pepper replies.

"Ours is a healthy relationship," Tony says as he pokes through the wiring, determining what each component is for. "Clearly, she's madly in love with me and upset that all of the meticulously planned debauchery we had in mind for our single hotel room has been ruined. It was a compromise," he continues, "Meticulous planning for her, debauchery for me." Pepper levels a gaze at him that is clearly unamused. "It's a joke," he says, exasperated. "They know I'm kidding."

"They know you're not," Rhodey finally sighs. Witness to their first kiss, and more than that, long-time best friend, Rhodey had always been in on the ruse. Tony and Pepper trade glances then allow their eyes to rove to Happy and Natalie, who deny nothing.

"Well, Natalie -" Tony begins. He'd never really believed they were hiding anything from her. He had been open about the relationship with her boss and she'd made her little 'honeymoon' comment during Vanko's attack. The SHIELD agent was sharp, trained to understand and judge people as well as disarm them. Of course she would know. But she was discreet, an expert on hiding information and misleading people. While Tony was sure Natalie knew, he was equally sure she had nothing to gain from making her knowledge apparent to her acquaintances. Happy knowing? That legitimately surprises him.

Rhodey cuts him off. "We talk about it all the time."

"You do?" Pepper asks weakly.

"The three of us?" Rhodey points out, "Don't have so much in common. We pretty much just talk about the two of you."

"There must be something else you could discuss," Pepper says.

"No, sure, of course there is. 'Did you catch the game?' 'How are you liking the weather?' 'Say, where's Tony, anyway?' And that's a dangerous question, because we all know him too well and we all know what sort of things he gets up to."

"So, you just _assume_ -" Pepper starts, but Rhodey doesn't let her finish.

"So, we just _play it safe_ and don't enter any rooms without knocking first."

"Oh," she says, "that's not, that's not so terrible."

"Yeah, that's common sense, right? No matter who you're dealing with, knocking is the polite thing to do."

Pepper smiles, relieved. "You had me nervous for a minute there, Jim."

Happy clears his throat and uncomfortably shifts on his feet.

"What?" Pepper asks, expression growing concerned. "What was that for? What was that about?"

"Ms. Potts," Natalie begins, in a placating tone.

Rhodey interrupts her: "It's stupid."

"What is?"

"No, it's actually, it's pretty funny," Rhodey tries, changing gears.

Pepper frowns at Rhodes and Happy both. Tony draws himself away from the inter-workings of the elevator control panel to sit on his haunches and observe.

"We make up stories," Happy admits, "about you and Mr. Stark."

"All of you?" Pepper wonders, focusing on Natalie.

"Yeah, her, too," Happy answers.

The normally unflappable Ms. Rushman is visibly uncomfortable, embarrassment radiating off of her. "I don't normally -" she begins.

"- exhibit human emotion," Tony finishes. "Are you _embarrassed_?" He's incredulous. "Wow, I just wanted to use the game to get you to say something true. This is way better."

Turning on him, Natalie declares, "You asked me to come back as your assistant!"

"It's not what you think!" Tony yelps, all too aware of how the combination of his reputation and Natalie's obvious assets makes for some suspicious circumstances. In light of the room fiasco, it is actually a little ironic.

"I didn't think anything yet," Pepper cautions. "But an explantation would be nice."

"Tony and I are in the midst of a second overall psychological evaluation," Natalie explains. "He was ...unsatisfied with the findings of my previous report."

"I was _dying_! No one is stable when they're being poisoned!"

"Iron Man is a resource SHIELD considers very valuable," Natalie adds. "I agreed to reevaluate him in better conditions _as a favor_." She turns to glare at Tony. "So stop being an ass."

"A favor to Fury," he gripes.

"No, a favor to _you_. I suspect you are less of a risk to the Avenger Initiative than previously thought, and that you deserve the chance to be reevaluated as major conditions change. The initiative you showed to request such a revision supports that theory."

"Am I making a better showing?"

_"No."_

"I suppose you both knew she was with SHIELD?" Pepper asks, gesturing to the other two men.

"She changed into a catsuit in the back of my car," Happy answers.

"SHIELD evaluated me, too," Rhodey adds.

"She also beat me up once," Happy muses. "Looking back, that was probably a clue that something was up." Tony and Pepper can do nothing but remember the incident and shrug in mild agreement.

"Chauvinistic preening gets on my nerves," Natalie tells him.

"Something did," Happy agrees, though still a bit uncertain as to where he went wrong.

"I'm still shocked you have nerves," Tony mutters. "What else are you hiding? Like, say - what got you so embarrassed a minute ago?"

"You imagined that," Natalie spits out.

Tony grins. "We have witnesses."

"She's upset because her stories are boring," Happy supplies.

"Tell me more about these stories," Tony requests, grin growing larger.

"Sometimes when you weren't around and we were getting sick of waiting for you, we'd make up crazy situations for you to be in," Rhodey explains. "'Tony's two hours late for a meeting with military brass because a dude dressed up like a unicorn held him up with a death ray,' that sort of thing."

"My favorite was the time aliens took the Eastern seaboard hostage," Happy adds. "Nat doesn't have any imagination - hers are always more like, 'Mr. Stark was drunk.'"

"I expect more layered characterization from someone who psychologically evaluates people," Tony tuts.

"She sounds spot-on," Pepper sniffs.

"Right," Rhodey turns to Pepper, "And then this thing with you and Tony was obviously happening."

"Hey," Tony interjects, "It's obvious to _you_ because you were watching us. That doesn't make it public knowledge."

"But it is," Rhodey points out. "The paparazzi don't have photos yet, but people who see you everyday? Yeah, it's obvious. Being in the same room as you is embarrassing. So then our stories starting being about that."

"'Tony's late for lunch because he's eating out Pepper,' you mean?" Tony guesses.

"Tony!" Pepper squeaks, mortified.

"Yeah," Rhodey nods, "pretty much."

"To be fair? Probably true."

"No," Pepper protests, "Absolutely not true."

Tony drawls, "It's true sometimes."

"I'm not denying you can't stick to a schedule," Pepper says, "but it has nothing to do with me. You're easily distracted and you don't like being held to another person's timetable."

"I'm easily inspired," Tony corrects. "Don't make me sound like I have ADD."

"I'm not convinced you don't," she admits.

"Natalie," he cries, "Report!"

"Unlikely," the shadow agent admits. "Adult attention deficit is categorized by difficulty sustaining many behaviors that Mr. Stark utilizes daily, such as multitasking, completing projects and recalling necessary details."

Tony jabs a victorious finger in Natalie's direction. "Work that into your next tale of my imaginary exploits."

"I'm not nearly as invested in this as you think I am," Natalie counters.

"The last one she wrote was only two paragraphs," Happy adds.

"_You write them down?_" Tony asks gleefully. He abandons the elevator wiring entirely and pulls his phone out of his pocket. "This, I have to see."

"Standard SHIELD encryption -"

"- Got it," Tony cuts her off. "Hacked in to your computer. Whoever writes your encryption is overpaid. What did you save it as? No, no, no, no, no, here we go." After skimming the story, which is all of 300 words, Tony holds his phone up to Pepper. "She wrote that we got married."

"Adorable," Pepper mutters sarcastically. Natalie shrugs. "Why even participate?"

"Never mind that," Tony says, waving off the answer Natalie had not yet given. "We've moved on to Happy's latest effort."

"I'm real proud of this one," Happy says. "Yeah, it was a little weird at first, but it's harmless fun, right? Think this one could win."

"So you aren't going to fix the elevator," Pepper states flatly as Tony reads.

"Who cares about elevators when..." he trails off.

As his expression darkens, Pepper deftly slips the phone from his hand. "Win what?" she asks Happy as she scrolls through the story.

"It's a contest," Happy supplies.

"Just the three of you," Pepper wonders, "or are there other participants?"

"Just us," Happy confirms.

"Who's the judge?"

"Guess you and Mr. Stark are now, Ms. Potts."

"I see," she says coolly, not looking up from Tony's phone. "And what made you decide to write a story in which Mr. Stark and I have relations as a result of Mr. Stane matchmaking?"

"Oh," Happy leans against the far wall of the elevator. "Stane got the short end of the stick, you know? He died on vacation and then we pretend like he never existed? Figured the least I could do is write a story where he was the good guy."

"Well," Pepper says, clasping Tony's shoulder, "I don't think Mr. Stark and I will be voting for this story. Obadiah's death is still...quite painful for Tony. I think it's a little too raw for us right now." Her hand drifts down his arm, until she is clasping his hand. "Jim," she prompts, holding Tony's phone out to Rhodey with her free hand, "what did you write about? I think it would be best to get our minds off this one."

Rhodey accepts the phone, though he does not know how to hack into his home computer using it. "Stuff," he says vaguely. "I didn't think you were going to read it."

Pepper frowns. "I'm not used to you making me nervous and this is the second time today."

"I _am_ his friend," Rhodey answers with a nod towards Tony. "We were bound to have something in common someday."

"I just thought it was MIT," Pepper replies.

Rhodey passes the phone back and forth between his hands. "We've been trapped in here too long. Let's forget the whole fixing it idea and call for help. There's no shame in getting help, Tony."

"Nice effort on the subject change," Tony answers, taking his phone back. "But let's see how you stack up next to Column A and Column B over here." His thumbs fly over the touch screen, sending signals that bounce off satellites and through cable lines until he's square in the familiar space of Rhodey's home hard drive. After a brief perusal, Tony announces, "Man after my own heart, he wrote porn!"

"He did not," Pepper protests, color draining from her face.

"He did," Tony says, grinning. He sobers as he reads, becoming thoughtful. "Extremely accurate porn, actually."

"Jim," Pepper sputters, "I can't believe - I thought - I thought _you_ thought the idea of Tony and I was weird."

"It is," Rhodey answers. "I do. But I've been friends with him since college," he continues. "That's twenty years of hearing about the women he's been with. By now, I know how he operates."

"I had no idea you were listening to me," Tony confesses. "I'm touched." To Pepper, he adds, "Seriously, we've done everything in here."

"I'm so happy for you," she huffs.

"It's not that explicit," Tony offers, looping an arm around her waist. "The other two took way more liberty with us. Have to say, Rhodey wins."

"Please tell me my prize is getting the hell out of here," he begs.

The entire party of five stumbles as the elevator unexpectedly heaves upwards with a great shudder. Appraisingly to the ceiling, Tony says, "Looks like it is."

"In addition to that prize," Pepper mumbles, "please except my not being able to look you in the eye ever again."

"She'll get over it," Tony says to Rhodey, who is looking a bit sheepish. "I've done way worse things, promise."

"Oh, I know," Rhodey mutters.

"And she got over it. So." He shrugs. "New plan: we take the stairs back to the car. Vacation's over. I've got a penthouse in the city and barring some kind of dude in a unicorn outfit-related crisis, I don't want to see any of you -" he gestures to Happy, Natalie and Rhodes, "- until Monday."

The elevator doors sweep open. As the quintet stumble out into the lobby, the repairman gives a jaunty salute.

"Pepper and I will be working on the sequel."


End file.
